Gender? Who's asking?

So the other night, I was hanging out with J (in a rare evening of camaraderie) and somehow he ended up asking me "how can you be a butch and still be with men?"


"I'm a butch with women," I said, "but with men, I dunno, I'm not exactly femme but you don't have to be when you're with a man. I like people for people, I fall in love because of what I see inside people, but sex? Eh, its different depending on who I'm with. I guess that's part of what I love about it."

So I start looking things up and doing research (remember I'm writing a paper soon but I'm also reading "Stone Butch Blues") and realize... I'm genderqueer. Always have been. Never thought much about it though. Because when the rest of the world is pre-occupied with your freakishness, how you express gender doesn't seem to matter anyway. Why should I be concerned about acting "feminine" or not? Why should I bother trying to be "pretty" or "cute" or a myriad of other superlatives that equate with physical beauty? I'll never look anything like the people who are considered "attractive" and nothing, not even surgery will change that. Ever. I've known that all my life. So I never thought about it like that. I express my sexuality and my sensuality however I feel "right" and whether it "fits" or not won't matter in the slightest.

Yes, many of my friends have seen me in a dress, skirt, makeup, the whole made-up nine yards. I even like dressing up that way. I like being "prettified" sometimes just as I like having a vase of flowers on the central table of the room. Its nice. But I'm not going to pretend the flowers will hide the mess in the corner or erase the faded upholstery on the chairs. Prettified is only one little bright spot on an otherwise mundane landscape. Its also temporary. There's nothing wrong with temporary brightness, either, but its foolish to think its the totality of the room.

So Sometimes I wear a dress, skirt, make-up even sexy stockings perhaps. Other times I toss on my favorite t-shirt and a pair of tight skinny jeans over my industrial grade working boots, slick back my hair and adopt a swagger in my walk. Sometimes I wear a party dress and my working boots with a swagger. Sometimes I wear a tuxedo jacket with shorts and satin ballet slippers and fishnet tights. Its not even that I don't give a fuck what people think: I do care what people think. But I don't necessarily adopt their definition of what I should look like. Because I lost as soon as I stepped out of the gate so I'm in no hurry to pretend I'm gunning for the finish line anyway.

more here

Dear Hearing People

Just because something looks beautiful to you, does not make it a good thing. Using butchered ASL to make a music video is not a good thing. Telling people that you are using ASL when you are actually transliterating from a dictionary is not a good thing. Discounting and dismissing when Deaf people themselves tell you you are being disrespectful is not a good thing. I don't give a flying fuck how "beautiful" her videos are, she's butchering a beautiful language and passing it off as expertise. Her videos aren't even Pidgin or baby signs level, its BULLSHIT.

Example: she signs "hard to fall asleep" as
"rock-solid to trip (I)sleep" because apparently she is unaware (or doesn't care) that some words which have many meanings in English do not have the same range of meaning in ASL. Like the word "fall" - it has three main meanings but one word is used in English. Well in ASL you don't use the same sign for those three meanings. Even Signed Exact English doesn't butcher the language like that, SEE has a specific sign for every English word so "fall" will not transliterate three ways. Because SEE isn't a language, its a code. At least its a proper code, what she's doing isn't even that. Fuck me.

I commented on one of her vids as blandly as I could that she isn't using ASL. SO of course her adoring (ignorant) masses jump up to defend her. She, wisely, says nothing because she knows full well what she's doing and she doesn't care. I google her and find several blogs and other mentions by Deaf people who despise her because they've told her straight up what she's doing is wrong but apparently she either doesn't answer them or blows it off like its no big deal with "well everyone signs differently"

Let me ask you something, if you heard someone say

"Book blue it he give me for to read"
and everyone around said "OMG what beautiful English Poetry!!"

wouldn't you be a bit peeved? Now imagine you tell them "um, that's not English, that's English words used in Spanish syntax. You can't do that, its not the same" only to be called a naysayer with no heart because you can't see the beauty in it? Fuck me. You can say "look, people who speak English don't USE it that way" and some jackass tells you "oh everyone speaks English differently"

There are RULES in language. Ignoring those rules means you don't respect the language.

I know why she's doing this, because she doesn't take ASL as a real language and neither do any of her adoring fans. They just think its gestured English. Christ that really riles me.

So, hearing people? Don't fucking do that. ASL is not gestured ENglish or even signed English. Its a fucking LANGUAGE and it has RULES. Either learn the rules or put your hands down.

weird feelings

Its no great secret there's a few people I've fallen out with in a big way. People who continue to be friends with other friends of mine. I'm totally cool with that. I am sometimes sorry that I have certain aspects of my personality that make it so I cannot continue a friendship sometimes - that makes things awkward for my friends. I'm occasionally puzzled that the issues I had with those specific people didn't crop up with other people and I wonder "what is it about me - good or bad - that makes it so that some things are just irreconcilable?"

To be fair, there's some people I've fallen out with that I went back later and patched up with. Because I'm actually NOT an asshole. I realized, over time, that either the problem we had could be "fixed" (because I realize we both WANT to fix it) or the "problem" never really existed in which case I get up off my ass and do my best to apologize and make amends. I've been blessed/lucky so far that the people I've apologized to have accepted my apology and patched things up with me. Each time, i'm really surprised by that and really really grateful. Maybe things will never be all sunshine and roses, but I've remained friends with those people still and I feel honored to this day.

But there's a rare few people I fell out with that I can't go back to. And it bothers me not because I particularly miss them but because I had attachments to them that I *do* miss.

And in that group, there's a couple of people I fell out with that I can't go back to because *they* are the ones who need to apologize to me. I'm still convinced of that. I wish they would apologize to me, but they won't. And that makes me sad as hell.

Because every year since "breaking up" with each of them, I've gone back over the correspondence between us and tried to figure out where *I* went wrong. And I come to the same conclusion each time: I may not have handled things in the best possible way (if that can exist) but I still do not feel *I* did something wrong, other than not like something *they* did to *me*.

And there's the difference: the people I've apologized to? I did something to them. I did something wrong. SO I apologized. It doesn't matter what prompted me to do what I did, unless its part of my apology (like the person I scratched out of my life ever-so-rudely because I was basically emotionally confusing her with someone else who had hurt me badly) and that's only to make them see that I know it really was MY fault. Because sincerity is important to me. I really go over things like this on a regular basis. Fairness matters, in friendships. If I hurt someone, no matter how slightly, its on me to see that, own it, and make amends if possible.

Lastly, there's one or two people I hurt on purpose because honestly, I was tired of them and their crazy shit. I felt pressured and pushed and put upon and I was tired of dealing with their constant crap. So I more or less jumped on a chance to get rid of them. I'm not proud of it, but seriously, when you find yourself in the middle of a relationship that you realize you don't want to continue what in hell DO you do?

Anyway, I'm still thinking about one person, out of all the people I "broke up" with, who really disappointed me. She turned out to be harboring all kinds of secret resentment and judgements on me. It had been creeping out over time until I pushed the issue. Then she just unloaded on me.

This was my annual re-reading of our last correspondence and rather than feel angry and hurt all over again? I just feel sad. I really liked her... until her judgey started seeping out and I couldn't get her to admit it. To the last, she railed and ranted against me and everything about me. Things that weren't even true, had she bothered to TALK to me. But she had stopped talking to me some time ago before that blew up.

That's why I had to turn my back and walk away. That's why I'm sad. Because I really did think we were friends. But friends don't do that: they don't hold some negative shit in so long that it become a ticking bomb. So she stopped being my friend before we had it out. But it took me a couple of years to realize that. it makes me sad.

I asked on FB, now i ask on LJ

Poll #1888918 my hair

haircut: even out the basic cut I have now (curved under short-short with long braid at temples) or something new

not new: even out what you've been working on so you can finally see it
new: shave one side BOOYA!
New: buzz-cut both sides a little for a kind of fade. SLICK
in-between: buzz the back up again and let the top grow. GOTH HAWK
Let it grow for gawd's sake woman
I don't care, let's get to the color questions

color: natural or unnatural? What color?

Natural: your own brown (hide the grey)
Natural: Go back to red (dark)
Natural: Go back to red (bright, copper)
Unnatural: Go back to blonde
Unnatural: reds
Unnatural: purples
Unnatural: mix it up!
Unnatural: I got an idea *(in comments)



secret exchange

Its a good way to start the new year: get something off your chest.

anonymous or not. all comments screened and no tracking.

for each person who does, I'll give them a secret of mine.

always room for more love

Me: okay Lil Miss good night, I love you...
Lil Miss: wait mom! I need hugs and kisses!
Me: of course
*hugs and kisses commence*
Me: Always. I am always ready for hugs and kisses
Lil Miss:[getting under the covers] yeah cuz everybody needs more hugs and kisses for me.

we sure do, baby, we sure do.

I'll think of a clever title later

So, a few days ago... [editor's note: check that becuase with our memory, it could have been a few years ago. just sayin, let's try to be a little accurate with our general time-frame references] I wrote an entry that was pretty epic in a personal, life-changing kind of way. I wrote about how I didn't find my goal in life, I actually realized what it was while I was workign towards it which to my mind is the best way to really KNOW what you found is really of the realses. For real, yo.
Anyway, so a large part of what I came to understand is my ah.. purpose.. in life is predicated upon what i am studying currently in school and how the studying of it and the actual course trajectory of it, fits into the larger framework of "MY LIFE'S WORK" (trumpet fanfare) and what I am currently studying in school, is ASL for interpreting. Let me fine-point this for you:

I am not actually wanting to be an interpreter, although that as a stop along the way would be fine and good way to have some decent free-lance to fall back on at any given time. What I am working towards is a grad degree in Special Education, more specifically administration of education. What's the connection between ASL and Special Ed? Well really there isn't any, its just that in order to get a grad degree, I need a bachelor's in something ANYTHING. I have enough credits to get an associate in just about any field as it is, but an associate is only a two-year degree. SO I have two years under my belt already, I only need two more. But going to community college is cheaper so I was looking to go there to get reoriented. They told me they had a interpreter's program that would give you a BACHELOR'S degree if you already had an associate or equivalent credits. Which I do. So I could go through the program, at community college, and in two years get a bachelor's degree in ASL. I would also be eligible to take the NIC and RID tests to be an interpreter. Which might help me pay for grad school. Grad school, for education, doesn't much care what your bachelor's is in, just that you have one. So I could go to community college, get my bachelor's in two years and have certification to do free-lance work. All in a subject I already love. Awesome deal no matter how you look at it.

Except the community college lost their bid to be allowed to award bachelor's degrees.

So... if I stay in the program, I go for two years to get a certificate that I finished their program for ASL interpreting. But that won't do any good becuase in order to be eligible to take the NIC and RID tests to BE an interpreter you have to have a bachelor's degree in something, anything. Which I wouldn't have.
SO I'd have to go to another college for another two years in order to get a bachelor's degree.

So that'd be four years in order to get the bachelor's and be ready to be certified in interpreting.

Uh, no. I'm done going to college forever with no point.

I love ASL but that wasn't why I was in the program. I was in the program because ASL was one of the two things Ga Perimeter SAID they were giving Bachelor's degrees in. But now they can't. Becuase the Southern Association of Colleges discovered they "mishandled" $25million. This is the third year in a row they have operated on a deficit and they can't exactly explained where the money went. Yeah. TWENTY-FIVE FUCKING MILLION DOLLARS.

And I can't get a bachelor's from them.


Yeah, I'm not going to continue the program. Even if I wanted to be an interpreter, I'd hve to go somewhere else to get the bachelor's degree to qualify to take the NIC/RID exams anyway. What a load of fucking bullshit.

Fuck GPC.

SO I re-submitted to Ga State.


The place that costs about three times what GPC cost. I wonder if that's because they don't LOSE THEIR FUCKING MONEY.

Oh and when did they elect to tell everyone this little change? Yeah about a week before winter break. Too late for me to get into GA State next semester. So I swapped out all my program classes for education classes but since I'm not formally in the education major, the financial aid office decided I am not taking enough credit hours in my major to qualify for the pell grant. But its too late for me to get advisement to change my major before the next semester starts. See if they'd told us this two months ago, I could have handled it all just fine. But no, they waited until the last possible second. and you know what really fries me? They even admitted that they had been warned by the SACs that their accreditation was in trouble. They KNEW they weren't going to be approved for bachelor's programs but they told prospective students they were going to "iron out the details" anyway. And SACs even said in their released statement that GPC KNEW what was coming. and SACs were surprised that GPC was even TRYING to be allowed to "level up" to awarding bachelor's degrees becuase they hadn't fixed their financial problems at all. But they still fucking did it. They took our money and told us we'd get degrees. I assume the only reason they told us the truth when they did was because part of SACs review mandated they inform us.

Thanks GPC. I fucking hate you.