December 12th, 2011


stupid virus

So I've been having weird times, medically speaking. Got a flare-up recently (yes I know its only been two months) and its my own fault. I was spotty about taking my valacyclovir due to weird schedule issues and I KNEW I was playing with fire but you know how sometimes you just can't really accept soemthing? Well obviously I still have acceptance issues with this stupid virus. I somehow thought skipping a dose here or there would be okay, my body would probably be fine. Yeah, great going, Cass. I dunno, this whole thing is still new to me. Do you realize its been almost exactly a year since I was finally diagnosed with meningeal herpes? And things have been so goddamned stressful since then, its hardly surprising that I've had flare-up after flare-up.

And you know what's really at the root of this stupidity of mine? Fucking sexism. (stay with me here, it makes sense) I STILL have severe issues of "validity anxiety". I STILL have this tendency to think no one will believe me, that I'm just being a hypochodriac, that I'm not really sick, that its "all in your mind"

"Seriously, Cass, get a fucking grip," I say to myself. You'd think I'd be past this by now. I'm forty-five years old and I still feel like a little girl when it comes to getting sick. I hear versions of "stiff upper lip!" whenever I feel crappy for any reason. Really. And its maddening too. Because I'm the first person to yell at people about this: you are just as valid as anyone else. your concerns are just as important as anyone elses. But do I apply that to myself? Ugh.

Well the upside to getting old comes into play here; now I am more likely to accept illness and go take a pill and/or lie down now. Because I just get too tired and too sad to fight it. So much easier to just say "okay,I'm sick" and go take something and lie down. Let the world go to hell. It niggles at me, sure, pricks at my conscience to know that while I'm lying there, doing nothing, things are sitting around needing to be done. I'm not being productive. AUGH! LAZY LAZY LAZY! my brain screams at me.

At the very least, I even think about people I could be staying in touch with, letters I could write, phone calls i could make. But I'm lying there, feeling like shit and beating myself up anyway. How non-productive can you get?

So anyway... flare-up city and its my own fault. At least this time I figured it out relatively quick and resolved to double-up or triple up like the infectious diseases specialist told me to do. So it won't get any worse. (and at times like these I think "geeziz, worse? yes, it could be worse, but holy hell I don't WANT it to be worse!!!") but its bad enough I'm taking pain pills again. Which ruins a lot of things I want to be doing. But not completely.

Oy, i know i'm blathering on. The point of this entry really was to just document how dumb I was and now I am pretty damned sure I got it CEMENTED in my head that this isn't some freakin walk in the park. This virus is for-fucking-real and its really in my damned body. I HAVE to take the damned pills every freakin day, WITHOUT FAIL. Its okay if I forget and take it late but I GOTTA take it. and if I can't remember if I did, take it anyway; taking an extra won't hurt me at all.

But the side-effects... I'd forgotten. The nausea and headaches from the valacyclovir. The grogginess and near-stupid of the pain pills. The constipation (yes I went there) from it all at once. THe absolute sedation of the phenergan. Oy.

SO I saw a psychiatrist today. She's good. Hells bells, floodgates opened too. Started telling her about my symptoms and next thing you know I'm bawling in the office. When you say everything that's going on at once, suddenly you realize how bad it can be.
So my welbutrin is going up. Like double. Apparently I have not been taking a therapeutic dose.

And she was completely cool about helping me with the disability papers. Said she'd done it plenty before and she knows it can really help the case. Well how about that? Some good news?

This year i was able to buy some christmas/hannukah gifts for people other than my kids. Man that felt good!!