April 13th, 2011

lampie

forgot to mention

I did indeed call my disability lawyer about the latest developments.

Me: So I'm scheduled to see a neurosurgeon and an orthopedic specialist about my back
Lawyer: what's going on with that? is it the meningitis?
Me: no, well I don't know, I just have a problem. My back has been in pain, like serious severe pain, ever since my last stay in teh hospital. Its been going on for three months now
Lawyer: Oh that's GREAT!
Me:...
Lawyer: oh! uh, I'm sorry. wow, that's not what I meant, I mean, I'm sorry, that is probably really awful for you but um, ah, its great for your CASE. wow, I'm really embarrassed. I'm so sorry. that was awful of me...
Me: [bust out laughing] that's okay, you're a lawyer, you're allowed to say that
lampie

dreams

(I don't know if anyone reads these entries; sometimes I read people's dream entries if I have time but most days I skim them looking for some neat visual. Still, I have this incredible urge to write this one down. I wish I had done it earlier instead of resisting the urge because now I don't remember so much of it. However, one of the things I learned in my psych classes - including dream interpretation - was that the details of a dream are rarely important, it is the emotional content during the dream and afterwards that matters)

I dreamed after many long complicated stories that I was in my old shared house in Philly. I was surprised to be back in it but [long complicated near-forgotten details] it was "right" that I was. The thing was, I remembered my old boyfriend, the one I was seeing RIGHT BEFORE I hooked up with Jeremy. He was the sweetest, nicest guy I think I have ever dated. Anyway, I was thinking about him and how much I wanted to see him again. Then I had to deliver something to someone else in the house and upon [long complicated details] arriving to the back of the house I discover it had a whole second side to it. So I went in and was looking for the person - Margie I think it was - whose package I was carrying. Then Ted walked in and I was so pleased to see him, almost blushing and giddy. But Ted is married now and although he was apparently living in our old shared house, I had no clue as to his situation. So I talked to him carefully. He seemed pleased to see me but awkward and shy. There were so many details to the situation that I had a almost lucid moment and thought something like "wow, this atmosphere is more detailed than real life! what is up with that" In fact I couldn't keep up with the constant stream of detailed input and I think I split off at one point. I REALLY wanted to talk to Ted, reconnect with him in some way because even though he was probably the best boyfriend I ever had (and stupid me threw him over for Jeremy) he was also a good friend whom I very much admired and respected. I felt vaguely self-conscious, as if I was like a groupie or something, but Ted was being very quiet and internal. I couldn't figure out if he wanted to talk to me or if he was just being polite or if he actually was overcome with as much relief and happiness as I felt. I felt really naive and vulnerable because its rare for me not to discern someone elses motivations and direction. Plus the constant stream of detailed random information (the color of the blanket on the floor, tiny glints of light that came from a faux-diamond necklace on the dresser, Ted's Punk rock t-shirt that kept changing band names, the way the dingy paint was bubbling off the wall in spots, how the shadows from the windows were flickering across my skin etc) was overloading my empathy. I wanted so badly to "say the right thing" to make him comfortable and talk to me, give me a hug, tell me where we stood but I was frozen with uncertainty. It was like seeing a unicorn at a carnival... you know if you do things just right, it will come to you but its so hard to figure out what's right when there's so much sensory noise going on around you.
Then Ted left the room and I was so very sad. I realized I was having a dream and this was my one chance to connect with him. I didn't want to wake up and lose that fleeting moment i had where we were standing int eh room smiling at each other. If I couldn't have anything concrete, I could have that at least. I wanted to follow him but I didn't know if it was "right" or whether his leaving was his way of closing the door on our friendship.