lampie

not_hothead_yet


life with talking trees

"I do not intend to tiptoe through life only to arrive safely at death."


Previous Entry Share Next Entry
Gender? Who's asking?
lampie
not_hothead_yet
So the other night, I was hanging out with J (in a rare evening of camaraderie) and somehow he ended up asking me "how can you be a butch and still be with men?"

Wha?

"I'm a butch with women," I said, "but with men, I dunno, I'm not exactly femme but you don't have to be when you're with a man. I like people for people, I fall in love because of what I see inside people, but sex? Eh, its different depending on who I'm with. I guess that's part of what I love about it."

So I start looking things up and doing research (remember I'm writing a paper soon but I'm also reading "Stone Butch Blues") and realize... I'm genderqueer. Always have been. Never thought much about it though. Because when the rest of the world is pre-occupied with your freakishness, how you express gender doesn't seem to matter anyway. Why should I be concerned about acting "feminine" or not? Why should I bother trying to be "pretty" or "cute" or a myriad of other superlatives that equate with physical beauty? I'll never look anything like the people who are considered "attractive" and nothing, not even surgery will change that. Ever. I've known that all my life. So I never thought about it like that. I express my sexuality and my sensuality however I feel "right" and whether it "fits" or not won't matter in the slightest.

Yes, many of my friends have seen me in a dress, skirt, makeup, the whole made-up nine yards. I even like dressing up that way. I like being "prettified" sometimes just as I like having a vase of flowers on the central table of the room. Its nice. But I'm not going to pretend the flowers will hide the mess in the corner or erase the faded upholstery on the chairs. Prettified is only one little bright spot on an otherwise mundane landscape. Its also temporary. There's nothing wrong with temporary brightness, either, but its foolish to think its the totality of the room.

So Sometimes I wear a dress, skirt, make-up even sexy stockings perhaps. Other times I toss on my favorite t-shirt and a pair of tight skinny jeans over my industrial grade working boots, slick back my hair and adopt a swagger in my walk. Sometimes I wear a party dress and my working boots with a swagger. Sometimes I wear a tuxedo jacket with shorts and satin ballet slippers and fishnet tights. Its not even that I don't give a fuck what people think: I do care what people think. But I don't necessarily adopt their definition of what I should look like. Because I lost as soon as I stepped out of the gate so I'm in no hurry to pretend I'm gunning for the finish line anyway.

more here

  • 1
I really like this entry!

What was interesting to me was talking about wearing make up and a dress or skirt sometimes. It brought back memories to when I was with my GF of 2 years. I never told her but for some reason I did not like it at all when she wore a skirt or dress, I guess because it went against who she was in my mind. So weird because it was just clothes, but it went beyond just clothes... I can't explain it. Maybe also because she didn't feel comfortable in things like that and that feeling transferred.

Sorry for psychoanalyzing about my ex gf on your page. haha. :x

LOL I spent a couple of years psychoanalzying MY ex-gf on here.

Edited at 2013-04-20 12:06 am (UTC)

  • 1
?

Log in